I have a confession to make.
Hold on to your hats folks, its a biggie…
I sometimes worry about whether or not I’ll ever get married. (for ‘get married’ read ‘marry someone who thinks I’m the bees knees, have kids, raise a family, share a life, possibly travel the world’. you know, nothing much). Now, I know I’m asking a lot by expecting you to believe that a 27 year old christian woman would ever concern herself with such things but honestly, I do. How often do I worry about this? Not a lot. Just, you know, most days. Don’t get me wrong – its not an obsession or anything. I’m not crying into my pillow every night screaming ‘why not ME?!’. If you’re one of my many friends who has recently gotten engaged, married, had a baby, had a second baby, moved house etc. – its ok, I’m not jealous. I’m actually genuinely happy for you, like, 95% of the time. Give or take 20%
Jokes aside, the reason I am writing this is because there’s something thats been bugging me. When someone asks me how I am or what’s been going on in my life recently, what I often want to say is; ‘Well, actually, lately I’ve been worried that no-one will want to marry me.’ But I can’t say that, because that sounds too much like; ‘I’m selfish and fearful and I’m sometimes not sure about God’s plan for me…’ when what I REALLY mean to say is; ‘lately I’ve been worried that no-one will want to marry me but I know deep down that it doesn’t really matter. and don’t get me wrong, I trust God, truly I do. and also, I care deeply about the current crisis’ that are going on across the globe and I really am a strong, powerful woman of God capable of travelling halfway across the world by myself AND unblocking a sink if thats something that ever needs doing. and also, I’m a little bit selfish and fearful and could you pray for me?’
It seems impossible to voice a concern such as the aforementioned without being forever labelled (by some) as ‘the girl who wants nothing more than a husband.’ Let me tell you something; I want lots of things more than I want a husband. I want to get to a deeper place of intimacy with the Lord on a daily basis, I want for His will to be done throughout the nations, I want for children worldwide to be able to live without the constant threat of violence hanging over them, I want my loved ones to come to know Jesus the way I do. But I would by lying if I said I didn’t also want to get married. If you know me, it would be an obvious insult to your powers of observation if I told you ‘I’m not really that fussed about having kids’. More than any of those things though, I want God’s will to be done in my life. That is, after all, the very reason I am alive; to glorify Him.
I went to a wedding today. Weddings are emotional for most people but when you’re 27, single and the type of person who ‘sometimes’ worries whether or not you’ll ever have one of your own – it’s risky business. You’ve probably safely recovered from the shock of my original confession so here’s another – I cried. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe but its true. I powered through the ceremony, held it together through the vows, made it through two speeches and then it was time for the groom to share a few words. When he started to talk about how beautiful his bride was and how much he loved her, I shed a tear. But not for the reason you’d think. What I felt, stronger than ever before, was that I don’t have to long for the day when someone will say those things about me because someone already has.
My God has betrothed me to Himself. He loves me with an everlasting love. He considered my heart the joy that was set before Him and He endured the cross to win me. If I ever need to know how loved I am I only have to open my bible, re-read old journal entries or simply quiet my thoughts and wait. He isn’t angry, worried, hurt or frustrated when I ask him for the 20th time if there’s been any progress on the ‘finding me a husband’ front. He knows that I will always choose Him first. He knows that ultimately His love is more than enough for me.
As if I hadn’t already opened up enough, there’s something else I’d like to share with you. These are some words I wrote a long time ago after talking to a friend about marriage.
To think about the future, and who
Will get to be the one to hear me say ‘I do’
But all I can really think about is You.
When I think about the future, I think about a love that grows day by day by day,
Where two hearts come together and find there’s nothing more to say,
But I already have that.
I have a 24/7, Psalm 36:5, vast as the heavens, as far as the eye can see,
Love. A faithful, thoughtful, knows every part of me, love.
So from now on, my ‘I Do’
is spoken daily, just for You.
I DO promise to love, honour, obey, to serve and to cherish day by day by day.
So in the distant future, when the time comes to seek my hand and win my heart,
HE will be the one who understands that he was starting out at second place
and I will never prize earthly love over Your embrace.
But he will love me all the more for what he knows to be true;
that I DO forsake all others for the love I’ve found in You.
He will love me all the more and treasure me and call me blessed.
Because for him, next to Your Glory, I am a well won second best.
For HIS Glory!
p.s. if you or anyone you know needs a sink unblocked or a fuse changed for that matter; I’m your woman.